Stuck in a Rut

Here’s the thing. The world is in an uncomfortable place right now. Things feel very turbulent. Regardless of your opinions on the matter, there is a change that is occurring on a large scale. People all across the nation are upset at the behavior of the police when it comes to enforcing the law and people of color. People are expressing their anger and outrage through violent acts. This is an objective statement of facts that are not up for debate. This is happening whether people believe it is just or unjust.

If you are a person that is directly affected by the actions of law enforcement, there is a large amount of people in the world that support you. They want you to know this and that they are here for you, doing the job that nobody wants to do in an attempt to make long-term change to assist in the complex issue that is racial inequality. I cannot imagine what things are like for people who have undergone this unacceptable job for any measurable amount of time. This is a travesty that has gone on for generations. I don’t even care that the buildings in our neighborhoods are being destroyed as a result.

For everyone contributing for radical change to a broken system, I support you. I support you with my money because I am unable to assist in any other way at this time. Right now I am really feeling stuck and at the same time, I know my feelings aren’t important right now. Feeling without hope, or like anything I as an individual do will contribute to significant change in the world, I do not want others to feel like I am discouraging their efforts. I realize that if we all felt this way, the world would be in a sad and troubled state.

Right now I am unable to find an outlet to escape this emotional rut I am in. Every attempt to distract myself in a form of self care now is riddled with guilt. I am trying to talk with others about this when I can, but then again, it’s not about me right now.

All I want to do is sleep. The emotional volume has been turned down for me to a state of mild helplessness. I know it is not about me at this time. As much as I wish I was able to continue to bottle these emotions up, they have been an initial guide for me to not only form an opinion, but begin to act in a beneficial way through example that I know contributes to positive change to those around me. Right now that option (a method I have since discovered and have been pleased with) does not work.

So the way in which I previously handled things is no longer an alternative. The things I have been doing bring me no since of fulfillment, and the world continues to change at uncomfortable speeds. But it is not about me.

This is where I am at right now. I tell people I am well, but that is insincere. Not sure how long this is going to last and all I can seem to do is sulk and sleep. For anyone wanting to read these thoughts, I hope they provide some perspective. Other than that, I’m doing my best like everyone else to get by and get through life day by day. Until next time.